Boy, that sounds silly. Pathetic, even.
Yet, for the millions who play, the idea of fantasy football season (or any fantasy sport, really...football starts tonight, which is how this idea came about. Work with me.) is a truly fascinating one: the idea of limitless potential wrapped in the universal feelings of glory and heartbreak. I tried explaining it to my mother once, and that was met with a resounding shake of her head. Recently, a friend asked what was so appealing about fantasy football. I tried to explain it to her in terms of sports, which was too close to the source. Again, not quite getting that feeling across. How to properly put the prospect of "owning" a team and riding highs and lows based on the performances of people I will never meet?
It hit me in a dream.
Imagine living in a town where everyone knows everyone. Better and worse (Some may call it "college"). You're heading back to school (in this town where everyone knows each other, of course) for the next year, and you are REALLY excited to start dating. You've kept up via facebook with a lot of people, scrolled the feed, checked out pictures, maybe even gotten together with some people for a gathering or two over the summer. So you are prepared to court a young man/young lady as the year begins. Suddenly, you are hearing feedback from all corners of town as to what to expect from this person, how they will let you down, how they fail to deliver in big spots, how they can't cook, how underrated their scalp massages are, and how their appreciation for The Smashing Pumpkins is a sneaky part of why you enjoy this person so much. Now, expand this idea to about a dozen people. For better and worse, this is how your school year goes. Every time something magical or frustrating happens, people sympathize. Others say "I told you so". Others still don't even have to speak; they look at you with that knowing look, like "I understand completely." Welcome to fantasy football.
The reality of the fantasy situation is that it's frowned upon to talk about exes in such a way. I understand that some relationships end in horrible fashion. Others still are memorable because of a hilarious/sentimental/highly memorable episode which resonates with you for ages thereafter. Which is too bad, because there are great stories to be told in everyone's back catalog of relationships. I don't kiss and tell, but when something truly historic happens, I want people to share this with. As an aside, this must be why so many choose to post pictures of engagement rings; kids can't WAIT to share that information. This is why fantasy football is so great! You're not talking about crazy sex or the partner who cried in the shower or the guy who still sleeps with a stuffed animal or the girl who makes lasagna so out-of-this-world that you bought an all-elastic-waistband wardrobe.
Talking about ex-boyfriends? Shallow. Talking about Ray Rice's protection? Savvy.And the key to that is that people who have "shared" a player in fantasy football know EXACTLY what you're thinking and feeling. We all know at least one person who claims to know exactly what you're feeling. You break up because you got into a heated argument about your boyfriend's love of Slayer, said some things neither of you should have, and poof! he's gone. Next thing, this friend of yours is recounting his own stories of how his girlfriend broke up with him and that sucked, too. There's definitely a disconnect, though. And you're too nice to say anything because you don't want to seem ungrateful, but the truth is this person just doesn't get it. With fantasy, people ACTUALLY DO know EXACTLY how you feel. Within the fantasy community, the stats and performances are IDENTICAL, so your cohorts know EXACTLY how a nullified Calvin Johnson touchdown catch feels. They know EXACTLY how devastating a Tom Brady week 1 season-ending injury feels. They know EXACTLY how frustrating it is to let Ricky Williams take it inside the 5 after Ronnie Brown ran for 50+ yards on the drive.
Better yet, this is a universal condition!...well, within the fantasy football universe, anyway. It's not just your league that gets it, it's not just Vikings fans in Minnesota ( a destination you may never visit) who get it, it's not just the list of girls who have had to listen to Slayer unwillingly. It's EVERYONE who has played the game. Guys who have never had the lasagna can never say "I understand". The "there will be other lasagna" doesn't quite cover it. But meet the other poor bastards who lost their 2008 season the first week thank to Bernard Pollard and you both know exactly what the feeling is. No words are needed.
Your season, like Brady's, may have been over in week 1. The upside? No surgery or boot.(I'd like to think that in dating terms, Brady's 2008 season was like going to dinner with Rachel Bilson, getting back to her place, and having her explode into a cloud of dust in the driveway. You have no rational explanation as to why/how it happened, and you're not quite mad....but you're not quite sad, because you have no REAL attachment...baffled by the "what-if" scenario is probably the most accurate way of describing this. But you probably won't be drafting Brady/watching The OC reruns anytime soon.)
Actually, the similarities between dating and fantasy are quite striking. Of course, there's more than just looks at stake (Larry Fitzgerald may be the best athlete in the NFL, but he needs more than Derek Anderson). There are, as they say, plenty of fish in the sea (though many aren't suitable to even give your number to). If you wish, you can rationalize and talk yourself into a LOT of things (great smile, really friendly, gets along with your friends....if only he didn't try to sleep with all of your friends), even if they're ultimately going to let you down. There are sleepers (give him a few years; his priorities just aren't in place yet). And each year, there are tales of agony and ecstasy that make or break the season.
Imagine Fitzgerald's season with a QB corps who completed more than 51% of passes...In other words, fantasy football/sports is like all of the best and worst things about dating without the actual direct effect on your life. And you can talk about it! Whether you're the type who brags a lot or the quiet sort, or somewhere in between, fantasy levels the playing field. Braggarts eat crow. Quiet types revel in the splendor of Michael Vick's return. There's no genuine heartache (or there shouldn't be. Your partner/family/job is more than likely more important than fantasy sports. Important disclaimer there), which is actually a nice consolation. There are no tangible ramifications for mailing in a week (I'm sure those with less-than-agreeable in-laws are nodding grimly right about now) (this of course is because paying dues for a league is gambling, and as such, is illegal in my state). And you don't feel genuinely dirty when you pick a player that prompts all of the other owners to laugh at you or say something to the effect of "I wouldn't pick that guy for YOUR team" because of a combination of under-performance and a dreadful playing situation (Donovan McNabb, anyone?) (really, I have no idea of how that would feel if I started dating a gal who prompted that response from anyone. Tact is NOT necessary in fantasy sports).
For those of us who aren't at that point of being cozied up with the person you want to spend the rest of your life with yet, this is a great way of getting your kicks without worrying about VD or changing your number.
It should also be noted that there are moments that are not as outrageous as the aforementioned: the moment in the draft where the fallen hero is picked up (Peyton Manning this year; you may hate the Colts, and you won't be drafting him, but you can't really wish harm to the guy/gal who takes him in the 6th round. After all, if Manning comes back and plays close to his ability level, there are 7-15 other people who are smacking their foreheads): you wish that person well. At least I do. The respect for a really great second-round pick (this is usually a sound decision based on what an owner already has. The pick may not be the sexiest option, but it'll contribute to a winner) is another one of those instances (getting Aaron Rodgers, and then the immediate pick and nabbing a top-3 receiver like Roddy White? I like it. Yeah, running backs will be lacking, but championships have been won without studs in the backfield).
I couldn't talk myself into dating this woman. Now, if she were to throw for 4,000 yards and 35+ TDs, well....In any case, the new season is cause for excitement and enthusiasm, much like any new partner should be. And that universal condition of pre-opening night/day jitters is something that anyone can relate to. It's a season of re-birth, starting over, getting out there and giving it your best shot, without the complications/deflated feelings of having a kid, for example, or rooting for the Dolphins. The 'no strings attached' mentality is something you really CAN get behind in this case because, again, it's not real. It is called 'fantasy' football for a reason; it lacks the emotional void that 'nsa' dating can create. Which is maybe the best part about fantasy sports: at the end of the relationship with your team/ you can gladly wash your hands of the team and openly dream up something better next year! It's as hands-off as you want to be.
Unless, of course, you play in the NFL.
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