March 14th, 2010- Why?

I've been battling. I've found myself at a junction in life where I have these tools but nothing close to an idea of what to make or do with it. The steady emptiness that is the job market for what it is that I chose to do with my collegiate career and graduate program hounds me daily. For as competent as I know myself to be, I find that the re-thinking and the panoramic viewing of all the hard work (and what I have to show for it) I've put into getting to this point has been detrimental.

Sending resumes, cover letters, applications...a dizzying routine of envelopes, stamps, my best handwriting...scouring the internet, checking districts throughout the state in alphabetical order from Westchester all the way out to Buffalo and Rochester, hoping for just an opening...lacing up to work in what is my 4th full school year of subbing, and 5th school year overall...I understand there's a grind involved with looking for work. The downer is that there's a bunch of people in the same boat, and with every passing semester and every absorption of schedules of reluctant retirees, the oasis gets smaller and smaller.

Going away meant a few things, and as of right now, I am only sure of some. Opportunity knocked, and the records will show that I took the opportunity and ran with it. I came back to find work closer to home, thereby cashing in on the time and money put into getting my Masters. The other side of this coin is that I was running from something...and whether or not that's true is not the question. The mere idea that I COULD be running from something opens the floodgates up for an outpouring of possibilities. I think if I could have it my way, the idea of moving away for a time was appealing because I had nothing to lose.

Upon my immersion in Chilean life, I caught the travel and exploration bug big time. The problem now is that it's an expensive illness to treat. In the meantime, I've found myself back at the proverbial square one: poor and working the grind shifts of subbing by day, hosting by night. But why travel? Why is that the ultimate in rewarding activities? I've begun to look at traveling as the ultimate in distractions. It seems like taking an overnight or weekend trip is another opportunity to not sit in silence, to not have to sift through the districts and lack of listings, to leave the printer alone, stop the careful scrutinization of working documents, rinse, repeat.

I feel as though this amplifies everything that is going on in the meantime, and all of that suffers as a result of looking ahead to the next big adventure. While I look forward to life's big adventures, I wonder what it is that's really driving me to go explore the unknown...whether it's a desire to do one thing or a lack of desire to do another. The chaos that Chile established has taken many shapes and forms in the ensuing attempts to get it back together in some way, shape, or form. The present situation is just that I'm searching for answers, and at the same time the realignment of my self-perception is (agonizingly) slowly coming into focus.

Anyway, enough of that. A big week ahead, and a newfound NEED to write. So stick around.

Talk to each other.