April 21, 2010- What I know...

The following items are fact:

- When you're insecure about something, EVERYTHING seems to connect to that one thing.

- RBI is not a meaningless statistic in baseball. In fact, it is a combination of batting average and on-base percentage as well as the "productive at-bat" statistic. Should it be a Hall of Fame-considered stat? Probably not. But I'm tired of hearing that RBI are meaningless.

- June marks the end of the 5th academic year in which I have been substitute teaching. 4 of them have been full years. The kids I subbed for at the end of 8th grade are graduating. I'm like Mr. Feeny.

Now, if I could just muster a 'stache...

- 2010 is a perfectly acceptable justification for being smart. Smart people are starting to run the facets of life that the dumb ran when I was in school. That said, the things I learned being the fat, smart kid are numerous and priceless.

- I'm convinced Lady Gaga would have been better-suited for Andy Warhol's Factory. That way she would still wear her absurd outfits, but we would be spared from hearing her insipid songs. Or, ya know, perform in the Velvet Underground.

Heinous. Bad news: it doesn't get better when she opens her mouth. Good news? No audio here.

- Vampires have become this generation's muscle-bound action heroes. Too bad emo doesn't suit cinema; if Edward Cullen had any lines that could be amplified by flexing, Twilight would have salvaged some credibility.

- Commercials and rapidly-changing camera angles have contributed to the meteoric rise in ADD/ADHD cases in kids. Note the lack of fully-devoted scouts who have trouble focusing. I'm not saying it'll get them laid, but...

- Youtube is SO fucking unreliable for finding important video...

- The majority of funniest material I've heard comes from people who are none too concerned with whether the audience has gotten the punchline. If you have to pause before making the joke, chances are people will instinctively take your cue. This does not mean that you are funny.

- Popular culture may have taken off in the 1920s, but "Rock Around the Clock" was the Christy Matthewson of the genre (The Beatles, Ruth...and The Stones, the ever-underrated Lou Gehrig).

- Bryan Adams has led a suspiciously strong career...

- Television has worn itself too thin. Time was, a show united the country (M*A*S*H*, Cheers, Cosby Show). Nowadays, the instant gratification angle and myriad options create niches for everyone, but no unifying qualities...except, American Idol. And forget about books.

- "Overpaid" teachers are not the problem facing America today.

- At least 50% of the reason education is getting trampled is because it's the one thing people are actually getting to participate in actively. Notice there's no local voting on whether we spend hundreds of billions of dollars on defense.

- Apple is not helping the economy in the long run. Not by a longshot.

- Sports, the Discovery Channel, and some History Channel programs are the only things that look better in HD. The rest of your overpriced boxes take away from the viewing experience.

- Among non-comedies, The Godfather would square off against The Shawshank Redemption for the coveted "most quotable movie" title.

- While Larry Bird or Magic Johnson get whupped against Kobe Bryant or LeBron James in 1-on-1, any of the 1980s Celtics (pre-1988) or Lakers mops up any Bryant OR James team, except maybe the 2000-2001 Lakers.

- Most badass revolutionary figure? Washington. Second? Paul Revere.

These are facts....