February 14th- Baby-Making Music

Oh, hello. Glad to see you stopped by the ol' internet on your way back to the bedroom. Did you get the chocolate-covered strawberries? Good. And the Cheez Doodles? Nice. Have you agreed upon a safe word? Try "shoelace".

Anyway, for all of you lovers out there, I thought I would share a few pointers with you. See, in today's world, we're all scared shitless: our jobs have never been less secure (for those of us who have jobs), which invariably will have an impact on our homes, families, and livelihood. So what's a guy/gal to do? Procreate (the only reason for having relations, as far as I/the Catholic church/Stephen Colbert is concerned), like mad! So I've collected a few audio samples to help you and your partner/flavor of the month/mistake along in times of passion.

NOTE: I cannot be held responsible for the eroticism that spews forth as a result of listening to these songs. Just play one at a time until you've finished your business... your partner won't mind. As for the FotM/Mistake, fuck him/her. Isn't that the point of what you're doing anyway?

1) La Bouche- Be My Lover. Seriously, this will take away any and all need for foreplay.

2) The Real McCoy- Another Night. The thumping bass line sets the tone, you just plug/ride away! Perfect.

3) DJ Assault- Ass N Titties. This is from my brother's middle school mix. It's not for the faint of heart, as it truly contains poetic verse that would make Shakespeare sound like a mere postmodern poet (they don't even fucking rhyme!!).

4) Seal- Kiss From a Rose. I slow-danced with a girl to this song once. In order to avoid a paternity suit, we've not spoken since. Effectivity rating: 1000% (just don't watch the video. It's not from Batman Forever. Remember, you're supposed to be making babies).

5) Europe- The Final Countdown. Cool trick: time your intercourse so that this coincides with climax...but like, not until at least the guitar solo. Shouldn't be too hard. It's not like anyone can resist reaching climax after listening to these five songs. Really. I'll bet you can't. And if you say you can, I won't believe you. Sting couldn't even do it.


Whether or not Sting watches every breath I take, or how much he enjoys tantric sex, he
can't help but shudder in orgasmic delight over "The Final Countdown"


So there you have it. By now you have planted the seeds of parenthood (unless you wore Hellfire condoms), so I expect my invitation to the baby shower sometime in the early fall.