January 4th- Dolphins/Ravens

Well, since it's a year of big tests, I figure the 4th day of the year may as well go the same way as the first three. I'm typing during the Dolphins/Ravens playoff game. It's a big day: as a Miami Dolphins fan, I am elated, or as elated as I can be, all things considered. My brother, Erik, is a Ravens fan, sitting next to me. This will essentially set the tone for the next two months at home, as the winner will be showered with the praise of our roommate (we call her "Mom". It's a pretty funny relationship we have). I'm pretty sure "Mom" (real name, Peggy...what a world we live in that we have co-educational housing. WTF?!?) wants the Dolphins to win. Probably because she's opposed to murder.

Side note: I told Erik that Baltimore probably will win because Ray Lewis will absolutely MURDER Miami's offensive weapons...literally, he may stab the Dolphins and watch them bleed to death. This joke will not become unfunny until Lewis is actually convicted of murder. And it may happen. I don't buy this "reformed" Ray Lewis. He's now a minister of God, which means- like many assholes in history- will simply refer to himself as doing "God's work". Sike.


First quarter certainly has been interesting. Baltimore started off with the ball and was marching down the field pretty efficiently, that is until a costly fumble resulted in a turnover! Miami recovers! First down around midfield for the Dolphins!! Miami moves the ball up the field quite well, as well, only they don't get into the end zone. Goal line stand for Baltimore, Miami settles for the field goal, 3-0 Phins.

Baltimore comes right back after a weak kickoff, and again take the ball down the field fairly well. Miami's looking pretty good against the run, but Ravens rookie quarterback Joe Flacco isn't feeling ANY pressure and is throwing at will. A bullshit illegal contact call certainly helped, but a nice red zone stand by the Dolphin defense and the Ravens settle for a tying field goal. Pretty smooth.

Now, while we're on a commercial break, I may as well try to legitimize this game as having anything to do with my goal of giving up drinking for the month. See, the year's been a joke so far, and a fairly fucking unfunny one at that. Today'll be a test since the Dolphins- for those of you who aren't football fans, here's a little tutorial- do juuuuuust enough to win (or lose) football games. It's a nerve-wracking experience, and that's WITH the aid of nature's social elixir. Without it, I'm gonna start losing my hair a few years earlier than anticipated. By the way, that hilighted sentence is the most accurate, concise summary of the Miami Dolphins you will find anywhere.

Anyway, Miami's drive fizzles quickly after a lackluster use of the Wildcat (note to Ricky Williams: SELL THAT SHIT!). End of the first quarter, score is tied 3-3.

B-More still appearing to move the ball fairly easily as the second quarter opens. Ed Hochuli- aka Incredible Hulk- will be hopping in for Vonnie Holliday soon enough. I think he could take Joey Porter and Ray Lewis in a death match. Miami's defense makes a solid contribution around midfield and force the Ravens to punt. Urge to drink steadily decreasing.

Miami takes over and is moving the ball fairly well until a brutal INT thrown by Chad "Cheer for me, suckers" Pennington. Baltimore takes over at the Dolphin 45. Urge to drink, steadily increasing. Under 9 minutes to go in the second quarter of teh game. If things go awry and my body is found next to an IV filled with Smirnoff Ice, you can consider that interception- a rarity, as was IMMEDIATELY brought to viewers' attention- the moment I was brought back to reality (in a football sense, anyway).

Commercial break brought us the Mannings Vs. Williamses Oreo commercial. Peyton Manning is the MVP of comedy, as well.

Miami takes over from their 5. Currently looking at a first and 19. Woof. Unfortunately, the Dolphins don't do the whole "throw further than 10 yards" thing a lot. This'll be interesting...yupp. Pick6. Hey Erik, toss me that beer? 10-3, Ravens. What. The. Fuck? Why the fuck is Pennington trying to throw 40 yards into double coverage? Why now? COME THE FUCK ON!!! (Note: Swearing will be a MASSIVE challenge for me to give up for a month.)

Terrell Suggs's nickname is T Sizzle (File that under "useless announcements"...can't believe Phil Simms said that.).

Ravens get a late field goal, and are up 13-3. That score holds as we go to the half.

Now, I'm not saying this will be easy, but I am definitely talking myself into a W. Back for more after the break (and some food).



Aaaaaaaand we're back (without food, so I may be cranky). Third interception of the game. Really? Third play from scrimmage...fuck. Miami's D is stepping up, forcing a 3 and out, though the punt is downed at the 1. Looking forward to this awesome uphill battle.

Does Regis Philbin have to host a show for it to exist? I'd love to see him on Survivor next.

What does the Miami Dolphins fan base look like? Is it Cubans and Jews living in harmony? Just a thought.

A throwing first down!! (Side note: Yupp. I acknowledge that I'm bullet pointing the second half.)

Forced fumble. Turnover. My liver's clawing at me, looking for some punishment. You'll get yours, sir...

Baltimore takes over from inside the 20. This is fucking ridiculous. Fucking. Ridiculous. Embarrassing. I really am beside myself. I want a drink. Touchdown, Ravens. Tack on the extra point, we've got ourselves a 20-3 ball game.

Okay, this is bullshit. Sports are intended to be the ESCAPE from reality, from what we as a people deal with in real life. This is uncalled for. It really is. 2009 can go to Hell (Searching for teaching abroad deals).

After a solid-looking drive, Chad tosses #4...no, not TDs. Interceptions. The bad ones. Fucking loser. My Marino jersey is crying.

Dropped passes, awful show. I am currently looking up tickets to anywhere. If you live outside of the New York area and would like a visitor, now's the chance. Speak up. The 2009 "anywhere but here" tour is getting rolling, and it could stop in YOUR TOWN!

Dolphins working the ball up slowly to midfield and Bess breaks through to the 5!! What is this "Red zone"?? Chad soft-touches it up and Ronnie Brown- in an athletic display showing shades of Mattingly- earns the #23 and makes the catch for a Dolphins touchdown!! 20-9. Tack on the-- what? Seriously? A blocked EXTRA POINT? Brutal. Anyway, it's a touchdown.

Ball handling: F. Dolphins forced to punt, and the score remains 20-9. Under seven minutes left. Woof. Aaaaand Willis Mcgahee takes a run for 45 yards down to the 5. Here's my (latest) problem: there is FAR too much emphasis on stripping the ball. TACKLE THE FUCKING RUNNER! What the fuck is so terribly difficult about that? Flacco sneaks for the score. Extra point....is good. 27-9. Ugly. Five. Turnovers. 5. Fif. V. Awful. 27-9 is your final score. Gag me.