June 13- Off to the races

Today was my first taste of the track, and I must say, I can see how people become degenerate gamblers.

I went to Jersey (come for the blowouts, stay for the awful accents and jumpsuits) for the first annual Carlow Classic, in memory of John Pender. While I'm not a big fan of gambling (complex gambling, anyway...a dollar to eat Oreos is a fail-safe, stone-cold lock. Also, not a fan of horses), this sort of environment can only lead to a lot of money lost. That said, it was a blast. Now, there are many sure-fire ways to lose money at the track. Allow me:

1) Always bet on the biggest horse. Bigger is better. Just ask Mark McGwi-- actually, that may not be the best way to go.

2) Always bet on the craziest-looking horse. Sure, he may be foaming at the mouth and neighing all the way to the starting line, but damn is he ever energetic!

3) Always bet on the coolest names. "Celtic Wonder" is a surefire way for all the miserable Paddys to throw the rest of little Johnny's tuition money on the table in hopes of a 15:1 miracle and a summary statement like "Not likely to last with the pack". That said, if you see any horse named "The Silent Gentleman", you get someone to back you big-time. That name cannot lose, not even to JC (Chasez).

4) ALWAYS bet on a black horse. Why? Does Wesley Snipes need a reason? I don't think so.

5) Always bet on your lucky numbers. I mean, the arbitrary 2 and 3 are like personal messages to the corresponding horses like "listen horse, if you DON'T win, I'm doomed. The 2 and 3 win EVERY race, you understand?"

6) Always bet all but your last dollar on the first race. If you lose, then at least you have something in your wallet.

7) Always play your last dollar as frugally as possible, so that even if you win the superfecta, you will win a modest amount of money since we're not in an economy that calls for greed.

8) Don't ever play the 7,4 box. Ever. Nothing good can come of it.

So there you have it: a surefire set of tips that will help YOU become filthy rich at the track, thereby making you one lucky person.

As for my day, I strayed from these tips and lost my first few wagers. The Carlow Classic (the 6th race of the day) featured a tip from beyond the grave. As John used to say, "Always bet the 2 and the 6" (presumably for the 26 counties in the Irish Republic, which is the fucking coolest reason to pick numbers...that's not luck, that's pride). I don't mean to brag but....well, let's just say I've had more to spend the last couple of weeks....

Yes, that's a WHOLE $5.20...